SIGH..
Posted by tracyanntan at 10:20 AM on December 13, 2004.
its been stressful 4 da past days.. i mean.. ok da decisions quite final d.. i'll b going back 2 spore 2 complete my a-levels.. yah i think so.. cos i'll b living wif my uncles family.. hmm they want me 2 stay wif them so guess dats a better choice too.. less money spent on accomodation.. i duno la.. im not happy too.. as in.. sooo much money!!!!!! arrrgh nw im paying as a local.. like a sporean la.. cos if not gota pay as foreigner.. now gota re-apply 4 my skul.. c whether they will accept me.. gota re-apply 4 student pass etc.. soooo fan la.. n lotsa money involved again!!! n at da end of it.. can i produce da results?? i duno la.. havent beenn doing well at all 4 da 1st yr.. thx ppl.. 4 ur support.. i know i hv u guys at least.. mayb i shld just start over in msia?? i duno la.. dis is 1 pt of life where i feel lk i duno wat i want.. its lk soooo frustrating.. im doomed wif tonnes of h/work.. much of which i havent even touch yet!!! so im worrying bout hw 2 complete them.. not knowing exactly whether i'll b accepted anot.. arrrgh.. i wish i can run away.. far far away n not care bout all dis crap!! i hate dis.. i hate myself.. i hate everything!!! n justins not back from philippines so he doesnt know at all.. i guess mayb talking 2 him wld make me feel better.. n reassure me dat spore will b fine.. i duno la.. sux man.. i wana cry sooo badly but i dun have any tears left.. sigh.. i duno if starting over back here is a better idea??? cos wats da pt.. i gota make frens all over again.. get use 2 da enviroment etc.. might as well finish in spore n close dat chapter of life right??? my dad said quiting now is da worst thing cos after all.. im still a scholar.. just on merit award.. lol.. who cares??!
neither here.. no there.. SIGH!
Posted by tracyanntan at 11:05 PM on December 11, 2004.
im going nuts.. dis sux man.. ive cried lk a million times.. n its stupid cos part of me is happy cos da scholarship got terminated.. hmm cos i nvr liked spore.. though i did make frens n met justin n experienced things dat i know i wldnt if i continued staying in msia.. but im sad cos ive been thru lots in da past 6 months.. it wasnt fantastic.. it was more like hell but yet it made me a better n more mature person.. n da thing dat makes me cry whenever i think of not going back is da frens i made.. esp my roomates.. we were all 2nd batch scholars n we helped each other thru da bad times.. we shared tears, joys, had slumber parties, sleep-overs, late nite of cooking maggie mee in da pantry, bathing n shouting across da toilet cubicles, eating in dining hall, sharing food, sabo-ing each other like locking each other out of da room etc.. it was great!! da best part is hostel life.. its totally crazy.. frens in skul r ok la.. took me ages 2 blend in but ive found my click d n they r bugging me everytime on msn.. asking me 2 faster come back.. i really duno how 2 tell them.. sigh.. n justin.. dats da scariest thing la.. i duno y but im sooo mad at God.. i mean i fell 4 justin since day #1 n everything slowly fell into place sooo perfectly dat it seems sooo fated n planned.. n its definitely mutual cos we did talked bout 'us' n we thought it was best not 2 start a r/ship dis yr.. cos its just too soon n we barely know each other.. n cos we will b apart 4 2 months so dats y.. its v reasonable.. but then it seems sooooo real!!! like gona happened.. i mean its unfair 2 me rite?? sigh.. i duno la.. yesterday n today have been pure 'heart-2-heart' talk wif my parents.. actually more like they r lecturing me.. now da plan is.. whether i can stay wif my uncle's family in spore.. then can save alot on accomodation.. but i oso not sure whether dats wat i want.. as in.. 2 go back n suffer 4 another yr!! da other back-up plan dat my mom came up wif is.. 2 cont my a-levels in pg.. as in sit 4 da june 2005 paper n most likely in kdu or disted la.. sigh wateva it is.. i'll tell u guys.. im soooo doomed.. i totally feel like my entire future has collapsed!!! crushed!!! wateva u wana call it la..
im dead!
Posted by tracyanntan at 11:44 PM on December 9, 2004.
2day da letter bout my scholarship came.. it was a wk late.. anyways in summary.. my scholarship got terminated.. sigh.. i duno y im crying cos i sorta expected dis.. come on.. failing subj isnt a good thing.. however they offered me da merit award.. which is sumthing lk a 1/2 scholarship.. i mean hostel, food, expences r nt paid 4 la.. but got waiver 4 da fees n sum education fund thingy.. i duno la.. wana go back anot?? parents assume i will.. sigh.. its outa mind.. my hostel costs 800SD a month!!!!!!!!!!!!! i mean is it worth it 2 spend sooo much money on a-levels?? i dun think its a gd idea.. might as well save da money 4 my uni rite?? cos after all.. nobody is gona c ur a-levels results when u go 2 uni n come out wif a degree rite??? sigh.. im not in a gd mood now.. went out wif eric during lunch.. we sat at mcDs (greenlane) for 2 hrs.. just talking crap.. i guess hes still da only person he can stand my whinning.. n he made me regret even more 4 leaving sunway.. i mean i always hv dis regret in me.. its just dat aft talking 2 him i realised its a bigger deal than i tot.. i mean.. its true wat he said.. i shld hv listened n followed my heart.. sigh.. jac n val oso told me dat.. so dumb of me 2 go 2 spore cos of my parents.. i mean.. if u were in my shoes.. wld u sacrifice 4 ur parents?? dats wat i did.. every1 knew i luved my life in sunway.. i enjoyed every bit of it there.. da frens, nite life, teachers, shopping etc.. but i left cos of my parents.. i was nvr happy in spore.. n nw when da scholarship is nt renewed.. im soooo mad at them 4 doing dis 2 me.. i knew then no matter hw badly i din wana go.. my parents will force me into it.. n i guess cos i oso hv a soft spot.. i knew i cant crush their hopes.. so im a 2 blame myself 4 being lidat???? arrrgh.. dun ask me.. dis sux.. things wld hv been great if i din leave sunway.. i was doing ok there.. results wise too.. n i'll prob b off 2 uni nx yr like every1 else.. melbourne u!!! haihs..