told him adeeeee!!!!
Posted by tracyanntan at 10:57 PM on December 18, 2004.
heya.. after writing da previous entry.. i stayed on9 till 2am.. was talking 2 justin.. errm actually it was him who as doin all da talking.. his trip 2 philippines was fantastic..n remember i told u ppl bout da balut (egg wif 1/2 formed bird??) yups he tried it!!!! he took a pic of it too cos he said he knew how grossed out i'd b.. lol.. ok anyways i did tell him bout d s/ship n bout me not goin back.. when i said so.. his tone changed from cheerful to sad?? errmm mad??? mayb disappointed.. i duno la.. he asked me a million times.. hehe ok im exaggerating.. i asked me 5 times whether dat was wat i really wanted?? then i explained 2 him dat i wanted 2 go back too but yet there r more logical reasons 2 stay in msia.. finally he said dat if dat was wat i think is best 4 myself then i shld go 4 it n not let anything else come in da way.. i oso told him dat i considered goin back 4 my roomates n classmates.. n oso him.. but then i said i refused 2 let u b a factor cos its dumb.. i said dat i was looking 4ward 4 nx yr cos of us.. da possibility of getting 2gether as a couple.. wat he told me almost made me cry.. he said he was feeling da same way too.. hehe jac said mayb after all those 'fated' incident.. its just not meant 2 b cos no jodoh.. lol dat silly gal!! hmmm then after talking n explaining.. he said he understands.. n he adviced me.. he said life in spore is diff than msia.. (he used 2 live in msia till std 5) n he oso said dat in spore.. time management is sooo crucial n it takes quite some time 2 fit into da pace.. dis is wat i like bout him.. i mean all dis while i hear ppl say hw he always put others b4 him n hw he tries 2 brighten everybodys day.. only now i experienced his sincerity.. sigh but there will nvr b us ever!!! anyways when on da 27th till 29th dec.. i'll b goin back 2 spore 2 get my stuff n we r goin out again.. dun think it'll b my last time 'dating' him cos i'll go back often 2 visit frens n cousins n him.. n yah.. he will come 2 pg nx nov.. confirm d.. lol he'll bring some frens.. im quite sure he isnt joking la.. so hopefully he comes n u ppl can c him.. so at least we r frens.. sigh.. ok dats bout everything..
weird..
Posted by tracyanntan at 10:59 PM on December 16, 2004.
im feeling better nw.. mayb cos im not thinking of da major crisis dat i hv.. sigh.. justin just came back 2day.. talking 2 him on9 nw.. errrm still din tell him bout me not going back.. i guess i cant make myself say it.. arrrgh but i will la.. eventually.. slowly.. hehe.. nyways its been crazy lately.. i suddenly feel free.. no h/work 2 do.. those piles of assignments from spore.. can burn liao.. 4 once in a zillion years.. i feel soooo free!!! soo much time 2 watch tv.. lol.. ohh ya.. just wanted 2 share something.. i went out wif eric yesterday.. yah i know we've been out alot lately but its ntg.. we hung out.. doing da usual stuff.. (talking.. wat else??) hehe.. he brought his photo album n there were pics of him n sarah during his bro's wedding.. omg sarah looks soooooooooo like su ann!!!!! serious man.. she reminds me of su ann.. as in u su ann!!!! her hair.. her smile.. her posts.. gosh im not lying.. only dat her eyes r a lil weird.. hehe shar told me dat b4.. but besides dat.. she can easily pass 4 su ann's twin!!!! its scary man.. lol.. nyways bout my screwed up life.. errrm i'll b attending coll in pg.. kdu.. sigh.. yah gona complete my a-levels here.. n will b off 2 aust by 2006 (hopefully) depending on my grades.. n ping!!! u know wat?? its like.. u said u plan 2 get back wif kelvin rite?? hmmm i know its weird but when i read dat.. i thought of me.. n eric?? as in could it b possible?? im over him la.. but im gona b in pg 4 da nx yr so means i'll b hanging out wif him quite often too since we r gd buddies.. lol.. n i guess there might b a possibility of falling 4 him all over.. (im not hoping 4 dat 2 happen la) but wat if?????? esp when he told me he, jon n kuganesh plan 2 take up mass com in kdu.. (dat time i din tell him i enrolled in kdu!!) sigh im crazy la.. i guess it makes u think bout da past.. yet its true wat ppl say.. best leave da past as da past!!! hmmm nyways u guys shld c him n sarah!!! they r wonderful 2gether.. she's madly in luv wif her.. he?? errm wld say his oso crazy 4 her.. they r a perfect match.. its shocking how im happy 4 him!! as in he did find a gal who is similar 2 him.. so dats a bonus la.. hmmm yah.. still talking 2 justin.. hes telling me bout his philippines trip.. lol.. hes soooo into it.. i duno la.. i think i wont tell him 2nite la.. not a gd time.. i guess there will nvr b a perfect timing 4 dat.. sigh.. there r only 2 ways 2 think nw.. 1st is 2 b glad dat i went 2 spore n did get 2 know him n thank god 4 putting sum1 like him in my life n its ok cos its not da end of it.. i mean there wont b a r/ship but there was n still is a strong frenship btw us n dat will last 4 a lifetime.. 2nd is 2 sulk n regret n b down.. n dis will nvr bring me anywhere cos it'll just hold me back from moving on n i guess r/ship is not da thing 4 me right nw.. mayb dats da sign from god???? lol who knows??? sigh.. but deep down i know its bothering me.. just dat i always push it aside.. not wanting it 2 affect me like da way eric did.. its no pt la.. i mean i cld break up wif my bf of 2 n 1/2 yrs cos of studies (spore) so it shows dat justin doesnt mean dat much compared 2 eric.. i think??? ok im not making sense here.. wateva la.. errrm i'll update u guys bout justins reaction once i find a gd timing 2 tell him.. sigh.. wish me luck!! i gota b strong 4 myself..
dis is it.. its final..
Posted by tracyanntan at 01:25 PM on December 13, 2004.
at 1st da plan was 2 go back 2 spore.. n live wif my uncle n family.. but then i tot 2 myself.. y go back 2 spore???? spend soo much.. duno whether its worth it anot.. cos aft all its spore!!! i mean its not aust or us or uk etc.. so then i told my parents i dowana go back.. cos of da monetary part.. n oso cos i dun think i can produce good results 4 my a-levels there.. so i guess dis is it.. i'll b going 2 kdu in pg.. gosh dis sux man.. ive been crying all day.. my eyes r soooo puffy.. kdu offers a-levels (cambridge n not da london 1) n its just 1 yr course so its lk graduating same time as my batch.. sigh.. n i saw da kdu a-levels syllabus.. its way easier than da 1 in spore cos back there.. they tailor made their syllabus 2 suit them.. esp uni entry 2 NUS.. so i think i can score better here im msia.. esp when there is no more PE n co-curiculum activities n community service.. sigh n i covered 3/4 of da syllabus d so it'll b a relaxing yr 4 me.. i duno y im still crying.. i dun luv spore.. actually i hate da system n da ppl there.. but then again there r those who brightened my day while i was there.. helped me pull thru da toughest times.. da saddest thing i guess must b justin.. i duno la.. if u guys were me.. wld u go back 2 spore cos of a guy?????? not just any guy.. can say justin is da 1st guy i fell 4 n admire 4 sooo long n not realising he too had fell 4 me.. n we were strangers then.. its da 1 thing in my entire life dat happened which is y im soooo mad at God.. He made me fall in luv.. n then mad justin respond.. n worst of all.. make it look lk theres a future 2gether.. SIGH.. but i cant make justin DA FACTOR 2 go back rite?? its just dumb i guess.. though justins diff from my previous crushes.. but still.. no rite??? no pt!!! sigh.. he is supposed 2 b back 2day.. yet he is stranded in cebu airport yesterday cos of da storm.. his flight got delayed.. so now he has 2 fly 2 davao n he'll b back on thurs nia.. i really duno wat 2 say 2 him.. i know ive fallen 4 him sooooo deeply.. its like da best combi u can ever ask 4.. looks, attitude, money n most of all.. da heart.. ;( shld i b grateful dat we managed 2 go on dates right b4 i left.. cos nw being out wif him was da best part of spore.. he showed me places which i nvr knew existed.. like da parks etc.. we hung out.. doing ntg at all.. just talking.. n 4 once in my life.. i wasnt da 1 dominating da conversation.. he was talking n i was ACTUALLY listening!!! we laughed n shared many life experiences wif each other.. i mean.. if wana compare him wif eric.. justin has da body n looks n da funny thing is.. when wif justin.. it wasnt lust at all.. (im not saying when wif eric it was la!!) but though wif da great body n charming looks.. it was just his character dat shone.. n dats da hardest thing 2 let go.. i mean he came into ur life sumhow.. n it changed da way u c life.. n its nvr gona b da same lk b4.. i really think my life is cursed.. as in seriously.. my luv life 2 b specific.. i hate dis.. mayb i was destined 2 b a nun!!? yah i think so.. guess dat explains everything.. sigh..